i guess i have been living under a rock for a while, now.

-------under a rock----------

i could lose my heart tonight

dont give me too much

dont give me too much...or i throw up...

dont give me too much...

or I...become supersonic...

turn me around...

and lift me up sturdy in the silent stars

i dont need.....the lights...glittering

on my every plight....

on every step...awakened....

wake me....you....

Johava...Nirvana...

i am dead, underneath the tentacels of weedss

i am sleeping in a cavern

feeling abused

my own watch clicks, and hits

yet again...she was right...

I am a..Ma***** let me go...let me be

ever present you are.. stirring through midnight

watch me cry because i made another mistake

baby cry, baby dont cry...

I'm sorry I made you frown....

dont let me fall down...again

I can only hear buzzes...of nightmares...

echoing in the back of my mind...

slow down....slow...dowwwn....beautiful

beautiful...one..dont cry

My PAINTINGS :D!!!

My hair got in the way for some pictures, but oh well. I'm happy im painting again. its been a couple of years since my fingers have gotten this dirty , teee heee heee. :-P *poofs*

i had a dream

this had beeen a question i've regretably never asked myself, when i was with joseph.
even though, the answer was obvious to me, i wasnt aware why....the real reason, i stil believed i loved Will but also loved joseph ....differently.

this dream explained it to me clearly
in the dream i was in a shoe store... (let me tell you straigt their wwere flying aliens in this dream before i got to one of those nike and shoe stores), that i wanted to avoid.
At the shoes store, their were all these...guys...some cute guys..some girls with their boyfriends. Then out of the blue Will appears, in the shoe store.Aparently Joseph was with me in the shoe store accompanying me. BU he left to try on this shoe, with this trendy guy. So i was sitting their, when i saw Will arrive, and to my shock, he looked like he was when we first meet. With long hair,...I gave him this look at fisrt, why did you grow out your again? (when i last saw him he decided to cutt it). I tried to look at him and invite him over, with a brief hesitation as well. WE sat there, and talked little. Then we simply held hands for a brief moment. It was sweet, it was nice, i smiled, and he looked merely happy. nothing more than that. Joseph came back, from trying on shoes, and i started to feel guilty and panicky, but Joseph, didnt realy seemed to mind anything at all. as smart and as kind hearted as he is, he knew it was innocent, welll atleast i knew it was innocent. will and him said him, acting like formal aquaintances. And will decided to act like a teenage prancster..which was odd for me to watch. I dont know who took whos hand, but Joseph was invited by Will and his strange gamer fanatic friends to hang out. I walked out first with Joseph, his hand was warm and firm, a man's hand, his hamd. I felt diffrently with jopseph the i felt with Will. When it came to a part where Joseph and I were walking at thes edges of the buildings...Will was merely in the distance with his friends, not really mad...at all. Just acting, like him. `when it was time for us to leave, (across my old lake in Hialeah for som odd reason). I looked at Joseph, and I know, that him and I, our love is different from will and I's past love. Will will always be special to me, but Joseph will always be my hearts desire, and this i could tell simply by being next to him and holding his hands firmly in mine, and us leaving apart, into our own route from the teens behind us.

that was all.


As for reality....i dont think i could ever go back to Joseph.
So if joseph ever reads this, i hope he knows this.
AS much as i learned from this dream, i've larned alot from reality.
I cant forgive Josephs pride. I cant forgive him, how he foolishlesly abandoned me to our dreams in this house. And for not taking our relationship to the next level.
Like making a fool out of me by making plans with his friend, to go to Banorooo, but not making an effort to take me out camping...our on one of his "special" vacations. maybe to the Grand Canyon...or anywhere...a lake with fishes. He always needed my approval to do or to think of anything. I got bored of him. Of the relationship, i watched him do homework at night...and I'd drop him off to work every daY. I stay with his dogs at home...wondering when things were going to change. I'd help him with his homework, and we moved downstairs, for the first time, we had our own "home". We bought, a lamp that is still here...i was beginning to organiz the shelves of books... it was not only but three days later did he dissapear to Ocala, before we even..or I fulfilled my fantasy of living in the room..that i had to alrady start worrying about him.
We made love in the bathroom, he stared into my eyes, and he saw...or disinguishe the me inside, and the me who has a mask...we got closer...or in the least...i was getting closer,,,to him, his sunlight.
The very next day...i leave to go to work.

He left......................to his best friend, the second he got his car...he left, without notice. Then he'd return depressed, for two nights with no call, i didnt know which day he'd feel like coming back. but once i showed him how upset i was, to the point of thinking about ending the relationship,he wasnt strong, he's return the favor with his pride. just like that...without warning. as always. i did aunthenticaly could tell in his eyes that he was genuinly worried, so i decided to see if maybe we can patch up these wounds in the next few days. nothing really happened, i started to suffer from severe panic attacks, i could barely focus on school he'd push me to get up. hes buy me yogurt and apple sauce, for once he thought about me. and not the me who forces him to "care". I was surprised...he'd never shown me in the past that he genuinely cared about me health. And then, his friend appears suddenly in the night, almost like an omen.

WELL THIS STORY ENDS HERE.
IRONICALLY Joseph left on March 25th....like it was suppose to be...that way.

25th....
i was born November 25th
he was born november 25th
the day i found out i was pregnant...was January 25th
i guess. everything happens, for some reason.

how i wish

how i wish things would have went differently....

i got fired today.

i am not surpised, but i feel infuriated, at the way it happen.

now that i replay it in my head, i wish i would have said something to that guy before, i left Steve Murry.

like..."you dont have to follow, me to the door, of my car...
i have a right as a citizen to walk where ever i want.
fucking prick."

"yes its your job to do your job, your job isnt to be a jerk, dont follow me"

maybe he thought he was being commendable.
fuck no.
his job wasn't to be a fucking douchebag, and kick me out of the building. I have feet i can walk, and i have eyes, i can see, the fucking floor. i left the government premises, the building is free to the public. i could have sat on a chair if i fuckign wanted to.

he thought, maybe i would be mad enough to set the building on fucking fire????

fuck - that- shit
and his fucking drama.

i shouold have set his fucking face, on fucking fire.

but yeah...this honestly depresses, me...

i talk to this lady, with an attitude. I had a feeling she would prob, call me in. and she did....
ha ha ha. She's one of those well to d0 type, "if she doesnt get her way, she is going to write or sue you" and brian, is up for that. Steve, is just bored, so he just wants to make himself, look and feel better.
why not team up, homo's?

yeah shes those fucking type, that make the legislature, branch hastle through trillions of files of bullshit paper.
Brian, is one of those bullshit, people,who would go through that bullshit, to help her.

Shelter rental b-s. god forbid, you help someone, with the shelter rentals, i cancel it, and my boss cant deal with other peoples crap. so its SUPPOSE to be 7 days, reservation, i followed the genuine rules of the concept, but he extends it for the lazy asses, so he doenst have to deal with peoples fucking attitude problem...i was getting on his nerveee. because they didnt fucking pay on time. and someone else got the better side of the cookie (meaning got the shelter). he would fucking throw me a titty tantrum. a fucked up titty tantrum, because i was actually folowing through with the quote on quote rules and regulations guide.


like he's a fucking pussy.

i know i gave him shit, with my nervousness, and crap. but thats about it, didnt he have 8 hours in the day? eating shit? why loathe over such petty, 3 minute things, such, as the payment, and computer crap? Is that all that office could do? loathe me..and that petty problem? weren't their more important things to loathe over, like the fucking papers, you need to fold??? lol but your too lazy to fold? so you spend 8 hours eating shit, complaining about my one minute mistake transaction? ha ha ha.

Go steve murry, you sure fired me.

Bryan doesnt do shit, his job, a janitor can do, and possibly with more assertiveness, then his friendly advice he would give me, on how the friends should spilt up the work, instead of him saying "Here Jessica and Sarah, fold these papers". and god forbid, he knows im having a titty attck, because he left me 20 tables to fold, by my fucking self. girls woulod come in fucking late because OF SOMETHING. so i would usually pick up the slack, but he would leave me alone...leave me the fuck alone, and take advanatge of that shit. when he had 8 hours of eating pretzels, to leave me with his fucking pussy excuses.

but i for one neever disrespected, him, and i actually tried to honor the rules...perhaps even tried to "fear" him.
i was too fucking courteous for a fucking puss ball.
Brian can you say "Sarah and Jessica do this, by this time, now?"
instead of.... "Here you go Jessica, while sarah does her homework, you do it alone! friendship ok?"

fuck youuuuu

and steve murry has a dick in his ass hole. there everyone i said it, you all know it, and it is the truth.
i dont care, if anyone at gorvernment reads this. i am a free mofo bird.

i paid my respects to weston government, and didnt bring up dramatic shit..about the stupid weak people, that eat other peoples shit there. if things need to be over blown fine...over blow...them. im sorry things got personal, but you were being irresponsibly, personal with shit...that had to be prioritized.

you are the boss, take care of your easy job. and stop over blowing a little girls problem, loser.

omg

i want pizza, i am so hungry.

i want pizza

i am so hungry

so hungry

i want pizza.

god please bring me pizza, really good pizza

because i ask, you must bring ok?

just kidding God.

I know you'll have my throat, for that...but i really do want pizza

really really bad.

...really

,,,really

bad.

AND AS WE WIND ON DOWN THE ROAD

i am going to be completely and utterly open aboout, down south.
Here is in the Southern FLorida. As it...intertwined with my life.
Some spec who grew up in Cuban city Hialeah.
LOL- Just kidding! i wouldnt refer to myself that way!
I am not racist of myself. lol.
I was a very wise kid, growing up, kind of smart, i never thought i was nice, though i could be nice...if it fit the outfit. But none the less a hypocrite, with priorities.

i think as us hispanics...we make alot of excuses..for ourselves.
We make it a habit, to demise our ourselves...naturally.
i have no time to talk...no time to chat!!!!!!!!

wow i just realized i should have finished this more appropriately before..
I cutt it like that. i'll have to come back to this later.

Well hardee har har har

IIII keep on fallen, in an ounce...of love. with a you.

i never loved,, someone, more than I, love YOU

I I i i falllennnnn

OooooOOooo
OOOOOOOooOOOOOO
OOOOOOOooOOOOOO


I KEEP ON FALLEN IN A OUNCE of love..
with you

I never

loved someone

more than I


loved you.

OF lOVE with you

I neeever loved someone
more than i LOVEN YOU.


ONE.

Happy Mother's Day

FOr all you hard working, perservering mothers.

Thanks you for all your loving strife!

Relax, laugh, and Have fun!

i just hope

Dear Joseph,

i just hope you eat...and get better. i dont know how it'll all get better but it will....

i'll take care of your dogs. and i wont say another word. i wont say another word.
i wont care anymore.
I wont care anymore.
I wont bother you about them, anymore.
I wont bother you about them anymore.

Just get better Joseph.

i cant apologize, for leaving you...i cant apologize for you leaving me...
i cant apologize for the fact that you are alone. I cant apologize for the fact that you will be alone.
I cant apologize about your sisters death, i cant replace her.

Cry as long as you need it. Cry as long, as you need to. Call me to cry.
I will listen. I will listen.


you need to eat, little things.
Just like I am.
eat apples, eat yogurts, eat bananas, eat cereal, and cuban food, eat garbage, eat.

Just eat.

your sisters journal, is there if you ever want to read it, preciousillusion. its in your gmail.
dont let your sisters death be the fall...of you. But let it be the rise of you.

Goodluck, because it will not be easy.
But like Dyce said, it wont become easier, It'll just get less harder over time.
And that it will.

So Shorkies on the way

Aparently i thought my dog, was having no pups. She got pregnant on February 26, 2010. Again :-(. Yes. I know, i know, why didnt i spay her? Because i had intended for her, to have shih tzu puppies a year or two later after her first litter with the shorkies. I love her breed, especially her. She has a lovely temperment, and a caring personality, i wanted her to gife the world with more shih tzu's.

But Bruno the yorkie got her at the last second. My brother, was moving only a week, later. I had kept her seperated from him that entire month. That entire month. But alas, Joseph forgot, that he let the dog inside after walking her, not even ten seconds later, did Bruno cumm in her! Ahhh i was furious! Well the outcome to all this, was that she is pregnant and shes been pregnant for these 3 months.

Aparently, there is a pill for doggies, to abort, pups....sigh but i couldnt go through with it. Even though it did sound like the responsible thing to do. I am going to HAVE to, get her neutered now. Any by the way if you have a problem with abortion, you should. But i am still for pro-choice.

These 2 were part of her last litter




Daddy

Mommy

like to get it on

blurb

blurb

Stork travels 8000 miles to visit his injured lover

True love overcomes any distance

No distance is too far for Rodan, the lovesick stork.



Making the trip from South Africa to Croatia every spring, the male bird travels 13,000 km to see his beloved female partner, Malena, who is disabled and unable to fly, reports Britain’s Metro.

The loving storks cozy up, mating and raising their new chicks (they have produced 32 offspring so far) and teaching them how to fly. Rodan then departs to spend the winter months in South Africa and returns on exactly the same day, the following spring.

Locals in the small village of Slavonski Brod in Croatia thought crippled Malena would almost certainly die when she was shot by a hunter in 1993, but thanks to the Vokic family, whose roof she lives on and her ever faithful partner, Rodan, she has survived for over 17 years.

Reunited again last week, Rodan was more eager than ever to see his love, arriving two hours earlier than usual. “It was clear they were pleased to see each other,” said one local to the Romanian Times. Stjepan Vokic added, “He knows he needs to return home because Malena is waiting for him.”

The storks have become so famous in the village that it’s not only Malena that waits anxiously for her partner to return, local residents and reporters gather round to welcome the tired bird home, every March.

Lets hope the couple’s little chicks will be just as loyal and faithful as their Papa!

posted o care2.com by:
posted by Samantha, selected from Tonic Apr 16, 2010 3:02 pm

Lifes a judgement

Well with me it is. I am constantly juding, who is judging me? its so serious and anal, i cant stand it myself. I need to get over my fears.

BUt i wanted to share something interesting. Something about differences. Personality differences. Differences in perception and in people. Differences in elements. This is what

I realize that people, are all different. And even the ones that think they aren't are. But they hide it with "social norm indifferences". We're everyone thinks the same, but in inactuality they are hiding their differences.

I feel like people what they fail to realize is that everyone has a different elements to their souls.
You notice how someone can easily judge someone else who has a completely different spectrum to their life? Like a very passive intellectual women, may...judge a....very expressive women outgoing women? Or when a very outspoken rightouse girl, may judge a very soft spoken gentle girl. I feel that where alot of americans , south, central and northern, do wrong. Is that they JUDGE. Right away. Instead of refusing or resisting, because perhaps they'll feel embarassed for themselves, juding this other "weird" individual. They outright close, their minds, to appreciating, the unknown. The unknown of their characters or their thoughts. And if they have very low self esteem, they'll probably feel that these "unknown" people and their weird perception of life, will probably not "understand them" so they give up on a possible friendship entirely.

Closing every door to an unknown that might judge them.

Guys and women all do this. But what they fail to realize is that they themselves are unique. Life everyone has different elemental personality traits. And sometimes the hardest thing, is for a person of different elements... is to get comfortable with each other. Like a women, who has a fiery personality , versus someone who has a very semi-passive watery personality. it doesnt mean they cant ever be friends, but what it'll probably mean is that the girls might possibly...bump heads...or even contradict themselves (those who know themselves wont have a problem with this). Psychologically, innately with things, and how you view things. Its like their afraid of finding about things about themselves. Just begin to allow the incomprehensible, surprise you, rather, than judging it instinctively. If you dont know the person, then why judge them? Its irrational. And thats why people feel embarassed when they get caught. But thats a positive sign, of having your life, and its possibilities open to the endless.

And the endless might just schock your reality...and change you. Change you unconditionally
well thats what i have to remind myself,when i am really scared. gaaaaaah

All my dreams

I close my eyes

Only for a moment,

and the moments gone

all my dreams

pass before my eyes a curiousity

....dust...in...the...wind...

all they are

Is Dust In the Wind

Same old Song

Just a drop of water

In an endless sea

All we dooooooo

Crumbles to the Ground

Though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind

all we are is dust in the wind

Ooh

.

........ Now Dont Hang On.........

Nothing lasts forever

But the earth and sky

....it slips away

And all your MONEY

Wont another minute buy

Duuuuust in the wind

All we are

is dust in the wind

Dust In the wind

Everything is dust in the wind

................... Everything is dust in the wind

~ The wind~

-Kansas

Are You Responsible For Mountaintop Removal? A New Tool Shows How It's All Connected

Are you directly or indirectly related to mountain top removal?

Appalachians before.




find out hereeeeeee, and how you can stop it ...:-)

(click there) http://www.care2.com/causes/environment/blog/mountain-top-removal-new-tool-shows-how-its-all-connected/ (or copy and paste)

Appalachians after

:-O !






When are we going to prioritize, things, from productivity, to the protection of the enviroment? if their is no enviroment, how are we going to live? Underground? Ltes do something, So that the future doesnt consist of shit!

Old Pictures from Crazies to You

I know i had to keep my face more in the sunlight...

All these designs Gislane made them

ANd last but not least

Joseph and I

hope you guys share some pics! byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3

Look at what happened in Chili after earth quake

The pictures are incredible

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/02/earthquake_in_chile.html

Nature, is incredible

So Guess what ladies and Day dreamers

Be very careful with hair, dye ladies. We all know that it is toxic, and thats why some women even buy special shampoo But did you know little girls as young as 10 are already getting into the habit of dyeing their hair? That is ridiculous!

Thats like handing, a cigarette to a young girl, then after a vast period of time, she starts suffering from some lung disease. Some parents honestly, i dont think they mean harm, but i dont think they see harm either. Its like... their blind to harm.

This is called Hair do or Dye: Toxic Hair Color

http://www.care2.com/hair-do-or-dye-toxic-hair-color.html

Here are some nice alternatives, to some potential, damage, to your body.

So I am bored at work

And i just started reading this book, "Echoes from the Dead" by author Johan Theorin. So far so good, the Swiss are depicted like depressed people. Thats fine with me, I like depressed people...

Anyways, I was listening on the radio, about a lady who has been contacted by "benevolent beings". Her and her twin sisters were both contacted on several ocassions. You really have to be as ridiculously insane like me :D, to believe in this. But i like to believe in these things, since I am a dreamer and all. I dont tend to get mad, at all at these things, like some other people do.

They say that they are different types of extraterrestrial life out there. LIKE MANY different types. And it was interesting, because one of the extraterrestrial they said that had visited them (a "bad" one, because people tend to ask her more about the "bad" ones in the interview), she described it as not even...... "alien looking". One particular type, she said by her description looked like smoke, and this specific kind had a very negative "air about it" so thick that she felt suffocated even beign around its prescence (meaning she had problems breathing). This smoky one had aparently "froze her solid to the ground" and began to talk to her, while she was laying on the floor. But since she couldnt understand "these" aliens, she would "think" back to them, "I cant understand you". And these aliens, got so maaaaaad, it raised its voice. But it just left her there, while it searched the house for something. I thought that was pre-tty cool.

Then she talked about the "good ones" and how amazing they are. How intelligent they are, and how protective they are, about our species and our planet. And how they protect us even from abuses from other low life aliens, who are smart but, not smart in the sense like "yeah i can do high math, and save your life" their more like "i can do high math, and i'll take your life". ha ha lol.

what ever. it'll be cool if some day we can fly, and travel the universe. That would be so totally awesome. For those of you peeps who cant wait for just such a movie, but with a really good story. Look up.... "Cowboy Bebop" the movie is coming out soon, (the real life movie) and aparently, Keanu Reeves is playing Spike the main protogonist. What ever...i cant complain...i loved Cowboy Bebop...bop ...bop...*BoP*

Keanu if you pull this off, I'd be ssooOOoooOOoooo Happy!

Thank you for actually making this dream come true (if it wasn't for him making people take a closer look at the idea of Cowboy Bebop coming to life, the movie might not even come true, or possibly come really crappy)

Like they say on project run way... "Make it work"

Selfishness and pride

Today, has been a work day....urk day...beserk day....

I dont like asking myself hard questions, anymore...
because i always find the answer to be burning, and decaying in me.
So i am trying to look at the answers through my actions...

I run away to quickly, I hold a dark memory inside, of me...
of dissapointing someone...of hurting someone..possibly a family member, or some one i loved.

I dont know, i was too young to know, what love was...or i was too young ..even though...i believed i had all the answers in me...i lived too deeply in my convictions...
to believe i had no problems...or that i even had a solution....

as strange as that may sound..., together

I look at people in the eye, now....soemthing that i felt always harmed me, in a way.
because it hurt me, it embarassed me.....i always wore a mask.

to disguise these emotions, and to put a smile of comformity for my family for my father and mother.

if i dont, the real part of me, the part of me thats been engulfed so long, in the same monotnous continuum of stress and , lack of space and comprehension, is shown throught my "evil eye". Let me give you a picture of it, o but beware some people have superstitious beliefs that if one "casts an evil eye on some one else, they may later have bad luck....blah blah" a lot of cultures believe that. i think its just someone harming some one else through their worst psychological schemes, in the enforcement of a look. Like how people look at you, when you cutt them off the road, and they give you "the eye". LOL. it sounds funny when i say it like that. And then if you realize that you were going over board, that same effort you put into throwing those emotions out, suddenly slap you in the face with embarassesment...if your some how realized that you were outwitted...or wrong.

But anyways enough of all my knowledgeble statements....sigh......i am rebuking 'that' part of myself, the evil eye part. Somedays more...earnestly, some days less. Somedays I am a conquerer of fears, other days I am part of a casualty of my own mistakes. Its all normal, and good in the neighborhood. But for today...its getting tougher and tougher, to confront it at the moment. i like to hope that someday i wouldnt have to live in the shadow of conformity...in the supermaket, at work....just be free. if i cant be who i want to be at home, then where else? but outside....

So i look to this psalm 23...its always been my favorite, and possibly the one that has most intrigued me growing up.

Psalm 23

The lord is my shepard,
I shall not want..he maketh me to lie down in green pastures... he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul....he leads me in a path of righteosness for his name sake.
Yea thou i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of mine enemies; thou anointest my head with oil...my cup runneth over...surely goodness and mercy will follow me...all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever...

PIzza pizzaa

Well i am off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

Cause when I see the wonderful thing, the heavenly thing of Oz

Guess who's Oz???

Guesssss?



GUESSS!!!!

.
.
.
.
.

Joseph!!!

new book

"Echoes from the Dead". sigh its been so long, since i have read a good book...cant wait to get into a new story.....after all this homework, and work life.

Peaceeee

Happiness

Sadness compels you to see things in a sad way, if you want to be happy, you must see things in a happy way. There are no tricks to it, but doing it. So stop screwing up your life……

Remembering to do this all the time, will only make you happier, and happier.

Until finally without realizing it, you are everything you always wanted to be.

-this is what my heart believes

some self help, for anyone who needs it

What should I do?

If a situation ever comes and i encounter hard core racist people. Should i blame it on narrow mindedness? Should I take responsibility and correct the individuals process of thinking?

How can i help myself, be calm?

I need some Dali Llama in my life. I need some Zen, I need some patience, and I need more wisdom. I need more discipline. I need to love myself no matter what.

Oh Dali Llama, Dali Llama, lol

Oh Dali Llama, Dali Llama.

Those who are unlucky

Stop hatingggggg

"Luck bad if not good, will always be with us. But it has its way of favoring the intelligent, and showing its back to the stupid." - John Dewey

Some rainy days ago, I remember recalling friends, who use that excuse of society, to excuse themselves for feeling "subordinated" which means according to free dictionary.com 'Belonging to a lower or inferiority class or rank; secondary'. If you have an inferiority complex, then thats the real stem of your problems. A person who believes in themselves, would never say or truly believe that they themselves or their own people, are inferior. Thats just the mentality of one who is shallow enough to compare apples to oranges. Their just different.

We do live in a society of some prejudice, but mostly stereotypes, and narrowmindedness.

I never cared for society. I never cared if i was popular.
Though I remember caring about looking pretty, i was shallow, it got in the way of getting the attention of the guy who i liked . i needed more confidence.
I even had some faith, that even though the other girl looked prettier than i did, that i could still get the guy if I gave myself the chance.

It seems that the only way to live life, is to take chances to grow.

And i cried, cried cried cried. And it really did feel like forever till i had my first boyfriend in 9th grade.

What i realized though, through out my desperation, to be "equal" to these pretty girls. Is if I learn to focus more on my thoughts my feelings, my strength. i could be free from that sort of mentality. I could get anything i wanted if I made myself free, from my own jealousy, my own narrowmindedness, my own fears. This is where I know i am smart. Acting on that is a different story.
Growing up, I was a little girl about handling situations. Even though i honestly never believed in "bad luck" or "goodluck" i still empathised for others when they had "bad luck". "Awww poor youuu". I was too scared to tell them how i really felt, even my mother, when she was talking poorly about her entire life.... " Let that (your pain)be your strength, dont let it become the "end of you"...
Honestly I just hated seeing my mother cry. It made me feel so...............helpless, and ostracized from reality.
I was a "little girl" who had to take the authority of an adult to help her. I wasn't prepared, if she had the mind, to take me seriously. And that was my fault. I should have just done it. Well done it, without doubting myself so much. And perhaps learn something more from it, rather than just overcoming my doubts... thats what i am trying to train myself to do now. Getting over the fact that others might not like me, or not say nice things to me, if i become the outspoken passionate individual that i know i am.


i feel that people who "taint" things negatively by labeling real world problems as oh "bad luck always happens to me" is like they are admitting that their lives are above that of reality.

And reality is what you make of the present. Thats it.

I am true believer that you get what you truly deserve.
Like If you feel like that was the best pizza in the whole world, you probably deserved to feel like... that was the best pizza in the whole world. Somewhere deep inside your conscious, whether you choose to acknowldge and validate it or not, you deserve that pizza. That really good tasting pizza. Dont let other people confuse you into feeling, other wise. (This is just an exxageration) Thats just confusing. Its just an imaginary veil of pessimism.

People who use this "bad luck" or only fooling themselves, or perhaps too weak to admit that they are delussional. Rational people who want a happy life, know that you cant change reality by admiting to yourself, that everything bad is coming to you. Thats like digging your own grave, and saying that once you are dead, "see it was all bad lucks fault!" like your negative thoughts had noooooothing to do with it. Nothing. I dont want to pity you, i am just going to call you out. You are acting Pitiful. You can change reality by simply going through the process, by over coming your problems.
Reality is good or bad, with or without luck. Its how you approach it that starts the course you will be taking....

No one should feel bad, for being luckier, richer, prettier, happier...what ever....no one has a real reason to feel bad.

Unless they decided to run away from the truth.

Things to doooo

List

1. Clean room
2. Do Laundry
3. Clean floor
4. Buy a pair of comfortable sandles, and closed heel shoes
5. Go grocery shopping buy ingredients for Brocolli cheese soup
6. Remember specific candles
7. Groom Suzy and Bubbles (clean her fur by her face)
8. Watch movie at night with lover. Not Avatar, lol Avatar, though good, its too long

Start now.... :-O :-P....

La la la la la la Elmo's Word

So i am super stressed, about this presentation tommorow. When will the havoc end? I need to complete 2 exams tonight.

and i havent even done to discussions online. not to mention i am the leader of two groups, for two very important end of the year projects. Thats worth like 20 percents of our grade.

I am so happy, i got chosen to be group leader though, but at the same time, i feel so skeptical.

You know what "skeptical" I should re arrange your letters so that you can look like this.

lticksepl. <- Yeah F- U!

I look out my window

And i see these older adults, complaining, about the same sh**...

Some one is watching on a pidostal....someone is judging...and putting complaints...on others...

A black kid is behaving bad...some hispanic guy is swearing off his child, some white mom is pushing around her daughter. Whose worse, those that do, or does that watch? They always told me, when i was younger dont get your self stuck in affairs that aren't yours. So that now i am conditioned to watch a man, or women beat up their child in the middle of a public bus....or the street.

Ive watched an illegal haitian run away from the police. I see a gun pointed at another man, and I just watch from the distance. Am i suppose to think I am on a pidostal? That I am just better then them? Do i simply close my eyes? Do I look away? Do i walk away? Whats worse, them or me?

I never liked the girl heroin, who grew up hiding, in her beauty and innocence. Just because she was never accepted into the hard world, she never made a hard mistake. She was never given the responsibility to grow up in the hard world, always protected, always beautiful, always sane. I never admired"her".

I always admired the ones, the ugly, arrogant, skinny girls, fat girls who would kick the ass out of some one who was being stupidly arrogant or stubborn too. Or just those who would risk their shallow appearances to stand up for another kid, even if its out right in an informal matter. Those looking from the pidostal, can easily judge and say "Whats wrong with that girl?" and look down. But since these view seers are so narrow minded theri never their long enough, and were never even involved in those girl lives, to see the outcome. The girl usually ends up becoming friends with the other girl she fought with in the end. Its like something cancelled something out. Some smakin cancelled out someones hard headedness....but in the mean while the spectator just assumes the world is cruel with "those kinds of people". Meanwhile their wallowing, in selfpity, or taking drugs. stressing stessing stressing.

the world tends to fix itself naturally if you stand long enough to watch the whole outcome.

thats what i am trying to do. Not to run away from these "strange" uncomfortable situations. If i deserve a beaten for being a chicken, than i want to atleast be able to out grow that someday.

Having a job, going to school is dandy and all. But nothing compares to everything this world has to offer.

Dead

For what remains

for what was part

of what we gave

was all a part

Of what once was

and what could never be

if only we knew

if only we could see

So I have been

So I have been looking up information about the Millenials, or the Millenials Generation which was the generation that was born after Generation X (Kurt Cobain Generation ) from 1982-2002. I was born 1987 so I am related to this era, its interesting how parents differ so much from back in the day. Aparently, the parents of the "Millinials" were known as "helicopter parents", this term came from their partaking at our acheivement with the eye of a helicopter, always looking to all of successes from homework to school to outdoor activities, helping us (with school pencils, friends, papers, computers) with the eyes of a helicopter. "looking down at our every waking need". This aparently, made us susceptible to a lack of realism, concerning the world outside of our box. Kids from this era suffer from a alot of anxiety concerning grades and school, because we acknowlege our own importance and value, and that of pleasing the parents....

But anyways I have to put all this research in better educational language for my presentation.
Its nice to learn that i actually came from a "generation".

For sooo long it seemed like i was one of those kids with no real sense of where i was, or where i came from. I always wondered what will be of me and my friends and of this world? Because everything was so organized inside my box, even disorganized...I was still in a box.

Its insane, because i know my friends growing up, like i know the context of my skin. I loved my friends dearly growing up and I can see the similirities of the kids growing up in my neighborhood. Cuurrently these days my friends are now seeking life, outside of the box, outside of their parents eyes, outside of their financial aid. Completely naked. Walking and working, going through their episodes of chaos, and learning patience, after not learning from it through reality for a while.

I love my friends. Even though i havent stayed in touch with most of my friends from growing, up. When i do see their faces, i can see their growth, and I can touch their wounds caused from a life that was too comfortably theres, a world that was too over protected. By t.v. by computer, by brothers and sisters, playing the same tricks. By a class with the same kids...by friends with the same funny stories to tell (because different friends were either to different for us, or for our parents to like) Soem of us were spoiled ...by the rules we do follow. Spoiled by our cars and games. We arent our best friends, parents were out best friend. We just dont realize it, until we are completely alone to take full responsibility for ourselves. Then we will have to learn to be our best friends. Sometimes parents need to put some faith in their children, let them make their own mistakes, and not have them on such a tight leash. Not train them to be such goody too shoes.

What if in reality outside of this protected illusion of protection, they are not goodie to shoes? Just repressed and molded to your liking? What if they are actually jealous and maybe even vengeful individuals, who act good in front of you, just to get buy? maybe because their a little scared you wont accept them? Maybe they believe you wont love them if they get bad grades....And maybe thats why they randonly scream and shout at something so small and "immature"... cause their actually scared, they see the world outside is so so different from within the walls of protection and harmony, that they are lost.

They dont want protection, they want guidance. They want to be their own protectors. in reality And getting good grades really isnt that important to them. Even though atleast to these kids, it seems like it is. Because it keeps the home in check. Their world in balance, for fear of rejection. But its ok......its ok. they dont know its ok, to be rejected, because they've never been rejected (if their world is really that "perfect" like mines was....) If everything is such a big deal to parents, then it becomes a big deal to them, pleasing you, instead of pleasing themselves. Dont make their problems into a big deal, to the point that they have to manipulate you, just look at it. just listen, and smile as they cry or scream and say you understand...even if you dont. It'll make you into a stronger person...it'll probably make you cry too.

You cant change a persons existance by molding them, you can only push them in the right direction. And have faith that they will love you in return after doing so. Years and years later.

My friends can easily see my wounds. Its like we are growing together, its like we are not alone, even though i feel so uncertain and afraid at times. And i can see where they will evantually reach... freedom happiness and independence, with alot of hard work, patience and love. Not a freedom that was brainwashed into us as kids. But one that we took for ourselves after negating that within ourselves for years, after working through a net work of pleasing and molding and imaginary happiness, through school work.

I had it good, and yes i took it for granted. because it was easy to take it for granted. and i- regret- it. I should have stayed in another after school program after i quit ballet (after 10 years). My family didnt even know the real reason why, because i hid with it an immature response "I got bored of it". Maybe i was too smart for my own good. Or maybe i didnt actually receive the right attention at home. Mom was to tired from working and coming home to a dirty home. Dad worked over night shifts and was gone during the day.


I wonder what will happen with this next generation of kids....somehow I think that they will unite with my generation, and it will all be dandy. We are too similar. I as a parent would be an interesting parent. My kid, will either end up super ultra confident and crazy, because of my random confidence and acceptability of hard to do endeavors, or if i am un- coordinated, very introverted and passive, or both. But regardless, he or she will be human.

SO human it'll make me cry.

MY fair Valentine

Celebrated yesterday February 13


Yesterday night joseph and I went ice skating and he gave me a surprise gift.

I am so happy, thank you God...for blessing me with so much love....

He gave me Bubbles. Just kidding bubbles is already mine. :)

A promise ring that glitters like the stars

a little bear filled with love

Oh and By the way

These are my modeling picturessss