i had a dream

this had beeen a question i've regretably never asked myself, when i was with joseph.
even though, the answer was obvious to me, i wasnt aware why....the real reason, i stil believed i loved Will but also loved joseph ....differently.

this dream explained it to me clearly
in the dream i was in a shoe store... (let me tell you straigt their wwere flying aliens in this dream before i got to one of those nike and shoe stores), that i wanted to avoid.
At the shoes store, their were all these...guys...some cute guys..some girls with their boyfriends. Then out of the blue Will appears, in the shoe store.Aparently Joseph was with me in the shoe store accompanying me. BU he left to try on this shoe, with this trendy guy. So i was sitting their, when i saw Will arrive, and to my shock, he looked like he was when we first meet. With long hair,...I gave him this look at fisrt, why did you grow out your again? (when i last saw him he decided to cutt it). I tried to look at him and invite him over, with a brief hesitation as well. WE sat there, and talked little. Then we simply held hands for a brief moment. It was sweet, it was nice, i smiled, and he looked merely happy. nothing more than that. Joseph came back, from trying on shoes, and i started to feel guilty and panicky, but Joseph, didnt realy seemed to mind anything at all. as smart and as kind hearted as he is, he knew it was innocent, welll atleast i knew it was innocent. will and him said him, acting like formal aquaintances. And will decided to act like a teenage prancster..which was odd for me to watch. I dont know who took whos hand, but Joseph was invited by Will and his strange gamer fanatic friends to hang out. I walked out first with Joseph, his hand was warm and firm, a man's hand, his hamd. I felt diffrently with jopseph the i felt with Will. When it came to a part where Joseph and I were walking at thes edges of the buildings...Will was merely in the distance with his friends, not really mad...at all. Just acting, like him. `when it was time for us to leave, (across my old lake in Hialeah for som odd reason). I looked at Joseph, and I know, that him and I, our love is different from will and I's past love. Will will always be special to me, but Joseph will always be my hearts desire, and this i could tell simply by being next to him and holding his hands firmly in mine, and us leaving apart, into our own route from the teens behind us.

that was all.


As for reality....i dont think i could ever go back to Joseph.
So if joseph ever reads this, i hope he knows this.
AS much as i learned from this dream, i've larned alot from reality.
I cant forgive Josephs pride. I cant forgive him, how he foolishlesly abandoned me to our dreams in this house. And for not taking our relationship to the next level.
Like making a fool out of me by making plans with his friend, to go to Banorooo, but not making an effort to take me out camping...our on one of his "special" vacations. maybe to the Grand Canyon...or anywhere...a lake with fishes. He always needed my approval to do or to think of anything. I got bored of him. Of the relationship, i watched him do homework at night...and I'd drop him off to work every daY. I stay with his dogs at home...wondering when things were going to change. I'd help him with his homework, and we moved downstairs, for the first time, we had our own "home". We bought, a lamp that is still here...i was beginning to organiz the shelves of books... it was not only but three days later did he dissapear to Ocala, before we even..or I fulfilled my fantasy of living in the room..that i had to alrady start worrying about him.
We made love in the bathroom, he stared into my eyes, and he saw...or disinguishe the me inside, and the me who has a mask...we got closer...or in the least...i was getting closer,,,to him, his sunlight.
The very next day...i leave to go to work.

He left......................to his best friend, the second he got his car...he left, without notice. Then he'd return depressed, for two nights with no call, i didnt know which day he'd feel like coming back. but once i showed him how upset i was, to the point of thinking about ending the relationship,he wasnt strong, he's return the favor with his pride. just like that...without warning. as always. i did aunthenticaly could tell in his eyes that he was genuinly worried, so i decided to see if maybe we can patch up these wounds in the next few days. nothing really happened, i started to suffer from severe panic attacks, i could barely focus on school he'd push me to get up. hes buy me yogurt and apple sauce, for once he thought about me. and not the me who forces him to "care". I was surprised...he'd never shown me in the past that he genuinely cared about me health. And then, his friend appears suddenly in the night, almost like an omen.

WELL THIS STORY ENDS HERE.
IRONICALLY Joseph left on March 25th....like it was suppose to be...that way.

25th....
i was born November 25th
he was born november 25th
the day i found out i was pregnant...was January 25th
i guess. everything happens, for some reason.