Therapy

Uh HUM.

What a mess...lol...I am.

I have to say i truly am, a monster at heart.

A sad, one, a happy one, a caring one, and a mad one.

So many monsters at once.
I am beginning to not care about what people think of me.
because people have their own monsters inside of them too.
these people enjoy to see other people monster die. As theirs insreases in strength and dis illusionment.
Because some one who honestly loves human kind, will come to terms in their heart, and see this, and try to see past this. With real actions, not just mental illusioned comforts...

Not with this stay cuput and look and look like an unjustified idiot effort.

And the monster only seeks love, in uncertain ways.
Uncertainty, uncomfortable, painful situations at times.

I honestly think I am normal, normal to the point that I understand...its ok.

To get mad, to be mad.

Its ok, to feel bad or mad. is what I have to tell myself, remind myself.
i am human, I make mistakes too. Or I am human, I have feelings too.

I cant hide that there is something dark hidden in my heart, universe.
I am sorry i wont appease you, you lucky perfectionist type who are lucky enough to continue with your false sense of pride, day to day.

Something there that has been wounded, in so many ocassions, buy people who like to take advantages and run over the wounded, to re- assure thier life remain as selfish and illusioned by their egos. everyone has a monster in them. some more than other, some less than others...

this is life. not some dramatic battle of good people and bad people.
its just a battle of feeling stupid, or getting your ego hurt by the truth. Everything from fights in africa to politics.... the weakest are running away with excuses by blaming it on the mean or bad person....

there are a few who are wise enough to admit it, few who are strong enough to confront it, and a few who are happy enough to live without it.

I am just a part of it. This selfish egotistical world.

i need therapy. I try to find a balance between my beliefs which are "I shouldnt care what people think about me, at my worst or at my best" and "I should try my best not to cause harm to people". As much as i want to be positive all the fucking time, its not my problem to assure that you have your hands in control of your life. So that you dont get mad at me, when i am in a bad mood.

thats none of my problem, and known of my business if you need more confidence to actually "help" the situation instead of hurt it.

if i look pretty or mad, and you want to attach your self to MY feelings. Thats not my problem to affixiate you. I am sorry i dont locate myself out of reality and move into a bubble or take drugs to run away from pain. I have to fucking deal with it right here and then, or leave it to rot in my mind for some other day, like this whole state does.

People can be incredibly lazy and wimpy...and then they can be incredibly awesome without realizing it. Because they are to fixated on certain stupid problems in life.

I need to say and believe now.

That I am awesome. Thats all that i can conclude from all of this. Thats all i can do, to be strong, when I am mad, when I am sad, or a monster. I have to believe I am awesome.

I

am

awesome