Happiness

Sadness compels you to see things in a sad way, if you want to be happy, you must see things in a happy way. There are no tricks to it, but doing it. So stop screwing up your life……

Remembering to do this all the time, will only make you happier, and happier.

Until finally without realizing it, you are everything you always wanted to be.

-this is what my heart believes

some self help, for anyone who needs it

What should I do?

If a situation ever comes and i encounter hard core racist people. Should i blame it on narrow mindedness? Should I take responsibility and correct the individuals process of thinking?

How can i help myself, be calm?

I need some Dali Llama in my life. I need some Zen, I need some patience, and I need more wisdom. I need more discipline. I need to love myself no matter what.

Oh Dali Llama, Dali Llama, lol

Oh Dali Llama, Dali Llama.

Those who are unlucky

Stop hatingggggg

"Luck bad if not good, will always be with us. But it has its way of favoring the intelligent, and showing its back to the stupid." - John Dewey

Some rainy days ago, I remember recalling friends, who use that excuse of society, to excuse themselves for feeling "subordinated" which means according to free dictionary.com 'Belonging to a lower or inferiority class or rank; secondary'. If you have an inferiority complex, then thats the real stem of your problems. A person who believes in themselves, would never say or truly believe that they themselves or their own people, are inferior. Thats just the mentality of one who is shallow enough to compare apples to oranges. Their just different.

We do live in a society of some prejudice, but mostly stereotypes, and narrowmindedness.

I never cared for society. I never cared if i was popular.
Though I remember caring about looking pretty, i was shallow, it got in the way of getting the attention of the guy who i liked . i needed more confidence.
I even had some faith, that even though the other girl looked prettier than i did, that i could still get the guy if I gave myself the chance.

It seems that the only way to live life, is to take chances to grow.

And i cried, cried cried cried. And it really did feel like forever till i had my first boyfriend in 9th grade.

What i realized though, through out my desperation, to be "equal" to these pretty girls. Is if I learn to focus more on my thoughts my feelings, my strength. i could be free from that sort of mentality. I could get anything i wanted if I made myself free, from my own jealousy, my own narrowmindedness, my own fears. This is where I know i am smart. Acting on that is a different story.
Growing up, I was a little girl about handling situations. Even though i honestly never believed in "bad luck" or "goodluck" i still empathised for others when they had "bad luck". "Awww poor youuu". I was too scared to tell them how i really felt, even my mother, when she was talking poorly about her entire life.... " Let that (your pain)be your strength, dont let it become the "end of you"...
Honestly I just hated seeing my mother cry. It made me feel so...............helpless, and ostracized from reality.
I was a "little girl" who had to take the authority of an adult to help her. I wasn't prepared, if she had the mind, to take me seriously. And that was my fault. I should have just done it. Well done it, without doubting myself so much. And perhaps learn something more from it, rather than just overcoming my doubts... thats what i am trying to train myself to do now. Getting over the fact that others might not like me, or not say nice things to me, if i become the outspoken passionate individual that i know i am.


i feel that people who "taint" things negatively by labeling real world problems as oh "bad luck always happens to me" is like they are admitting that their lives are above that of reality.

And reality is what you make of the present. Thats it.

I am true believer that you get what you truly deserve.
Like If you feel like that was the best pizza in the whole world, you probably deserved to feel like... that was the best pizza in the whole world. Somewhere deep inside your conscious, whether you choose to acknowldge and validate it or not, you deserve that pizza. That really good tasting pizza. Dont let other people confuse you into feeling, other wise. (This is just an exxageration) Thats just confusing. Its just an imaginary veil of pessimism.

People who use this "bad luck" or only fooling themselves, or perhaps too weak to admit that they are delussional. Rational people who want a happy life, know that you cant change reality by admiting to yourself, that everything bad is coming to you. Thats like digging your own grave, and saying that once you are dead, "see it was all bad lucks fault!" like your negative thoughts had noooooothing to do with it. Nothing. I dont want to pity you, i am just going to call you out. You are acting Pitiful. You can change reality by simply going through the process, by over coming your problems.
Reality is good or bad, with or without luck. Its how you approach it that starts the course you will be taking....

No one should feel bad, for being luckier, richer, prettier, happier...what ever....no one has a real reason to feel bad.

Unless they decided to run away from the truth.

Things to doooo

List

1. Clean room
2. Do Laundry
3. Clean floor
4. Buy a pair of comfortable sandles, and closed heel shoes
5. Go grocery shopping buy ingredients for Brocolli cheese soup
6. Remember specific candles
7. Groom Suzy and Bubbles (clean her fur by her face)
8. Watch movie at night with lover. Not Avatar, lol Avatar, though good, its too long

Start now.... :-O :-P....

La la la la la la Elmo's Word

So i am super stressed, about this presentation tommorow. When will the havoc end? I need to complete 2 exams tonight.

and i havent even done to discussions online. not to mention i am the leader of two groups, for two very important end of the year projects. Thats worth like 20 percents of our grade.

I am so happy, i got chosen to be group leader though, but at the same time, i feel so skeptical.

You know what "skeptical" I should re arrange your letters so that you can look like this.

lticksepl. <- Yeah F- U!

I look out my window

And i see these older adults, complaining, about the same sh**...

Some one is watching on a pidostal....someone is judging...and putting complaints...on others...

A black kid is behaving bad...some hispanic guy is swearing off his child, some white mom is pushing around her daughter. Whose worse, those that do, or does that watch? They always told me, when i was younger dont get your self stuck in affairs that aren't yours. So that now i am conditioned to watch a man, or women beat up their child in the middle of a public bus....or the street.

Ive watched an illegal haitian run away from the police. I see a gun pointed at another man, and I just watch from the distance. Am i suppose to think I am on a pidostal? That I am just better then them? Do i simply close my eyes? Do I look away? Do i walk away? Whats worse, them or me?

I never liked the girl heroin, who grew up hiding, in her beauty and innocence. Just because she was never accepted into the hard world, she never made a hard mistake. She was never given the responsibility to grow up in the hard world, always protected, always beautiful, always sane. I never admired"her".

I always admired the ones, the ugly, arrogant, skinny girls, fat girls who would kick the ass out of some one who was being stupidly arrogant or stubborn too. Or just those who would risk their shallow appearances to stand up for another kid, even if its out right in an informal matter. Those looking from the pidostal, can easily judge and say "Whats wrong with that girl?" and look down. But since these view seers are so narrow minded theri never their long enough, and were never even involved in those girl lives, to see the outcome. The girl usually ends up becoming friends with the other girl she fought with in the end. Its like something cancelled something out. Some smakin cancelled out someones hard headedness....but in the mean while the spectator just assumes the world is cruel with "those kinds of people". Meanwhile their wallowing, in selfpity, or taking drugs. stressing stessing stressing.

the world tends to fix itself naturally if you stand long enough to watch the whole outcome.

thats what i am trying to do. Not to run away from these "strange" uncomfortable situations. If i deserve a beaten for being a chicken, than i want to atleast be able to out grow that someday.

Having a job, going to school is dandy and all. But nothing compares to everything this world has to offer.

Dead

For what remains

for what was part

of what we gave

was all a part

Of what once was

and what could never be

if only we knew

if only we could see

So I have been

So I have been looking up information about the Millenials, or the Millenials Generation which was the generation that was born after Generation X (Kurt Cobain Generation ) from 1982-2002. I was born 1987 so I am related to this era, its interesting how parents differ so much from back in the day. Aparently, the parents of the "Millinials" were known as "helicopter parents", this term came from their partaking at our acheivement with the eye of a helicopter, always looking to all of successes from homework to school to outdoor activities, helping us (with school pencils, friends, papers, computers) with the eyes of a helicopter. "looking down at our every waking need". This aparently, made us susceptible to a lack of realism, concerning the world outside of our box. Kids from this era suffer from a alot of anxiety concerning grades and school, because we acknowlege our own importance and value, and that of pleasing the parents....

But anyways I have to put all this research in better educational language for my presentation.
Its nice to learn that i actually came from a "generation".

For sooo long it seemed like i was one of those kids with no real sense of where i was, or where i came from. I always wondered what will be of me and my friends and of this world? Because everything was so organized inside my box, even disorganized...I was still in a box.

Its insane, because i know my friends growing up, like i know the context of my skin. I loved my friends dearly growing up and I can see the similirities of the kids growing up in my neighborhood. Cuurrently these days my friends are now seeking life, outside of the box, outside of their parents eyes, outside of their financial aid. Completely naked. Walking and working, going through their episodes of chaos, and learning patience, after not learning from it through reality for a while.

I love my friends. Even though i havent stayed in touch with most of my friends from growing, up. When i do see their faces, i can see their growth, and I can touch their wounds caused from a life that was too comfortably theres, a world that was too over protected. By t.v. by computer, by brothers and sisters, playing the same tricks. By a class with the same kids...by friends with the same funny stories to tell (because different friends were either to different for us, or for our parents to like) Soem of us were spoiled ...by the rules we do follow. Spoiled by our cars and games. We arent our best friends, parents were out best friend. We just dont realize it, until we are completely alone to take full responsibility for ourselves. Then we will have to learn to be our best friends. Sometimes parents need to put some faith in their children, let them make their own mistakes, and not have them on such a tight leash. Not train them to be such goody too shoes.

What if in reality outside of this protected illusion of protection, they are not goodie to shoes? Just repressed and molded to your liking? What if they are actually jealous and maybe even vengeful individuals, who act good in front of you, just to get buy? maybe because their a little scared you wont accept them? Maybe they believe you wont love them if they get bad grades....And maybe thats why they randonly scream and shout at something so small and "immature"... cause their actually scared, they see the world outside is so so different from within the walls of protection and harmony, that they are lost.

They dont want protection, they want guidance. They want to be their own protectors. in reality And getting good grades really isnt that important to them. Even though atleast to these kids, it seems like it is. Because it keeps the home in check. Their world in balance, for fear of rejection. But its ok......its ok. they dont know its ok, to be rejected, because they've never been rejected (if their world is really that "perfect" like mines was....) If everything is such a big deal to parents, then it becomes a big deal to them, pleasing you, instead of pleasing themselves. Dont make their problems into a big deal, to the point that they have to manipulate you, just look at it. just listen, and smile as they cry or scream and say you understand...even if you dont. It'll make you into a stronger person...it'll probably make you cry too.

You cant change a persons existance by molding them, you can only push them in the right direction. And have faith that they will love you in return after doing so. Years and years later.

My friends can easily see my wounds. Its like we are growing together, its like we are not alone, even though i feel so uncertain and afraid at times. And i can see where they will evantually reach... freedom happiness and independence, with alot of hard work, patience and love. Not a freedom that was brainwashed into us as kids. But one that we took for ourselves after negating that within ourselves for years, after working through a net work of pleasing and molding and imaginary happiness, through school work.

I had it good, and yes i took it for granted. because it was easy to take it for granted. and i- regret- it. I should have stayed in another after school program after i quit ballet (after 10 years). My family didnt even know the real reason why, because i hid with it an immature response "I got bored of it". Maybe i was too smart for my own good. Or maybe i didnt actually receive the right attention at home. Mom was to tired from working and coming home to a dirty home. Dad worked over night shifts and was gone during the day.


I wonder what will happen with this next generation of kids....somehow I think that they will unite with my generation, and it will all be dandy. We are too similar. I as a parent would be an interesting parent. My kid, will either end up super ultra confident and crazy, because of my random confidence and acceptability of hard to do endeavors, or if i am un- coordinated, very introverted and passive, or both. But regardless, he or she will be human.

SO human it'll make me cry.

MY fair Valentine

Celebrated yesterday February 13


Yesterday night joseph and I went ice skating and he gave me a surprise gift.

I am so happy, thank you God...for blessing me with so much love....

He gave me Bubbles. Just kidding bubbles is already mine. :)

A promise ring that glitters like the stars

a little bear filled with love

Oh and By the way

These are my modeling picturessss

Therapy

Uh HUM.

What a mess...lol...I am.

I have to say i truly am, a monster at heart.

A sad, one, a happy one, a caring one, and a mad one.

So many monsters at once.
I am beginning to not care about what people think of me.
because people have their own monsters inside of them too.
these people enjoy to see other people monster die. As theirs insreases in strength and dis illusionment.
Because some one who honestly loves human kind, will come to terms in their heart, and see this, and try to see past this. With real actions, not just mental illusioned comforts...

Not with this stay cuput and look and look like an unjustified idiot effort.

And the monster only seeks love, in uncertain ways.
Uncertainty, uncomfortable, painful situations at times.

I honestly think I am normal, normal to the point that I understand...its ok.

To get mad, to be mad.

Its ok, to feel bad or mad. is what I have to tell myself, remind myself.
i am human, I make mistakes too. Or I am human, I have feelings too.

I cant hide that there is something dark hidden in my heart, universe.
I am sorry i wont appease you, you lucky perfectionist type who are lucky enough to continue with your false sense of pride, day to day.

Something there that has been wounded, in so many ocassions, buy people who like to take advantages and run over the wounded, to re- assure thier life remain as selfish and illusioned by their egos. everyone has a monster in them. some more than other, some less than others...

this is life. not some dramatic battle of good people and bad people.
its just a battle of feeling stupid, or getting your ego hurt by the truth. Everything from fights in africa to politics.... the weakest are running away with excuses by blaming it on the mean or bad person....

there are a few who are wise enough to admit it, few who are strong enough to confront it, and a few who are happy enough to live without it.

I am just a part of it. This selfish egotistical world.

i need therapy. I try to find a balance between my beliefs which are "I shouldnt care what people think about me, at my worst or at my best" and "I should try my best not to cause harm to people". As much as i want to be positive all the fucking time, its not my problem to assure that you have your hands in control of your life. So that you dont get mad at me, when i am in a bad mood.

thats none of my problem, and known of my business if you need more confidence to actually "help" the situation instead of hurt it.

if i look pretty or mad, and you want to attach your self to MY feelings. Thats not my problem to affixiate you. I am sorry i dont locate myself out of reality and move into a bubble or take drugs to run away from pain. I have to fucking deal with it right here and then, or leave it to rot in my mind for some other day, like this whole state does.

People can be incredibly lazy and wimpy...and then they can be incredibly awesome without realizing it. Because they are to fixated on certain stupid problems in life.

I need to say and believe now.

That I am awesome. Thats all that i can conclude from all of this. Thats all i can do, to be strong, when I am mad, when I am sad, or a monster. I have to believe I am awesome.

I

am

awesome

Such a lonely day

"Such a lonely day...And its mine..."

Who fails an online exam consecutively three times in a row.
who? WHO??

Me....

ME

ME

ME!!!!!!

I studied and studied and studied. I even had some real confidence, but I STILL GOT A 50!!!
I was hoping for an A.


WHY?!!!

I am just so slow when it comes to computers.

You know what computer..... F*%$% YOU!!

So tired..and sick

I called my boss, and asked him for a day off. Thank God he said yes (after kidding around when he said no). I was thinking about going to work regardless just because it might be better to keep my mind occupied, when i am like this, but my stomach feels so dilapidated from throwing up. I feel like a dried prune with no nutrients. I am eating soft foods, like soup and boiled chicken that my mom made me today. Its perfect for my stomach, i can feel the nutrients being quickly absorbed into my tummy. I also ate an orange, to open up my appetite (for some reason when i get like this the first thing i want to do, is sleep). but doing that only hinders me weaker so i eat an orange to open up my stomach.

I have been listening to soft music, to calm my mind. I dont want any drama today. all i want is peace and quiet.

Hey Peeps

I am taking a breather on studying, and you know what helps me focus on studying? Going on youtube, and listening to other people talk, about things they are focusing on...

Like for example, this women is showing people how she grooms her shih tzu's face (i am trying to learn how to groom my dogs hair by the way) and listening to her talk in the background so kindly to her dog, helps me study. Or even listening to dogs run around and play....on youtube.

Helps so much
I also like looking up how to do a certain style of make up... Or new hair styles.

Listening to peoples voices teach, always helps with the focus and practice.

Anyways I will shortly update on my new modeling.
Some people on model mayhem have actually offered me jobs ^.^, where they will pay me to actually model! I dont know...i just might take this opportunity...some thing tells me that i should pursue it.
But more for personal growth reasons,t han for the money.

I will post up some new pics Joseph took of me at the park today.

I made it into a slide show on the next page, since putting them up individually looks so ugly on my page lol. But actually i dont have the time and patience to try to upload it here yet. I'll figure that out when I dont have to study for an exam