it sucks

to feel like your trapped in your own body...with some shame...anger or guilt...i feel that way now. Unable to breathe, or move...filled with anger...guilt....shame...

I should know better...than to allow myslef to sink to these levels..., i fail to be perfectly fine. Buy allowing my feelings contradict my mind. This state has always been dangerous for me in the past...I almost lost my life. being this way...my mind. I cant say I'm safe today. I'm just scared. For no reason. Though i justify with a reason in my head.

Im just tired of mind game....and it makes me wonder.

Your probably wondering what the what this concerns to...Well my boyfriend, was saying to his old past buddy, some personal things about me. My boyfriend has no limitations, when it comes to concerning peoples privacy. I love that about him. Honestly that whats going to help me more, in life. Since I am too much of an introvert...But yeah today my feelings are engulfing me in rage.

He was talking about my boobs, being small to his best friend. Then he talked about how i was pre-mature when I was born, and he threw in how big my head was. These are such serious insecurities...that I rarely...open to people with. And he threw to his friends, all as a joke. It hurt so much. As much as i have trained myself to laugh at myself...i didnt want to laugh at myself. Maybe i would have...maybe iwould have if, he would have said it was some decency..... And because of this, i decided to stay mad at him. there fore forcing him to asses my feelings. He didnt, he threw me a half giggled up apology. And still it didnt make me happy. I wanted him to know, that i was hurt. that was it. I dont want a cock pit, excuse. i want him to assess my feelings, carefully. So now that I have denied his so-called apologies, hes mad at me, for being too serious.

Its not fair, why cant i be strong about one thing? Why cant i be weak this one time? Why do i have to always gigle and laugh about things, that hurt me? Why, am I honestly that serious????

Maybe i have to let these bad, ill feelings leak out of my system. And smile about them evantually, but when? Now? Is now a good time... thats where my head and heart contradict.

Sometimes i dont feel like he truly empathizes for me. And sometimes, i dont know. these doubts are their...because of me...and because of him. So what to do.