Sadness underneath me

For ever it seemed, we weren't meant to be.
You were high, I was high
But on different things it seems...
I need an escape
So do you...
But no matter the conclusion
it may amount to...
The inevitable is clear
So here are the tears...
and the clearness is seen...

I run to my mothers room
You run to your own world...
Invisible walls, for-lorning to be heard
explored...healed...
I am here, writing this to you
As you glamorize your habits with yourself
In your past lements...
And every tree has a hole...
And every rose has a thorn
And still it makes me wonder..
what about the pain?
How are you and I different?

Because we were so in love
so in love, so in love, so in love..
So much that we constantly hurt ourselves..
And with your habits
And with your choices...
And with your words...
i feel stabbed
By your words so declared
"Not now..not ever...dont know..."

And O how this makes me wonder...

I want a man who has boundaries...
i want a fence, a protection, a mountain, a hill...
I want YOU to know...and stop making me wonder..and perhaps dream

But i cant pull this knot it seems
And it makes me want to cry...
and yet your near...near your pipe it seems
Relying on comfort, instead of yourself
Crying again...Because your sister died...
And I said I think she would want better

But who am I to wonder...and behave this way?
And scream into your ear
to hear you say. fuck you...
Who am I, but simply chemistry?
A girl who once held your eery dreams
but
Your sister is gone,
And she stares from heaven
And maybe she knows...
and maybe she doesnt know...
And maybe shes fine...not knowing...

But alas, the wind is here
And here with you still
As you breathe in,
and breathe out, and breathe in...
The ground beneath your feet
Your soul planted to the earth
Your mother is still steps close
And so am I...
And our troubles wont ..blow away...
My chest...your chest...will always know...
What we are...today

And the moon that will always beam
Can never change the truth

With this habit of yours
of comfort and of comfortable knowing....

And if you listen wisely
And change the atitudes of your perceptions of me
Because its not how I see you
That bothers me...
Its how you placed your faith in your choices
And how You changed them...
we are so similar
and so unfair
and so stupid
Thinking with our fears, or our egos...
and instead of our minds

this will bring me so much more pain
I can see, the cliff already
today i know you and I
are ill...and in the rain...

so you and i
are bad for each other.
Like ice with fire...
and vice versa
I need stability
That you cant OFFER
You want acceptance
That I apparently cant offer...
You cant even offer me reasonable limitations
Only diluted thoughts
with endless loop holes
with endess endless loop holes

You need stability
I need to grow

I need to detach from my past
You need to get through your past
My body hurts
and your anxious
And we are like birds with clipped wings
And your only survival is your weed
the source in which;
You
Know how to fly
Is something you cant do
without it
Right now...perhaps.
"Dont know"
And I have plans ahead of me
Dreams that depend on me
Hopes that need GROUNDED strength
In which I cant possibly PULL from you
if not for weed...because you are weak
And you MIGHT always be WEAK.
And I might always be a thorn to your weaknesss...
a boulder,
in the way of ever changing road
of an ever changing course
of an ever changing you...

So much indecision, (Dont know..maybe)
is that right for me?
Is that right for you?????
If i failed...you
By not being more empathetic
Should I risk more days
to get solidity from you
because if i am not the one you love
shouldnt i deserve it?
Or should i just take it?
What would be better?

God what should i do?

it sucks

to feel like your trapped in your own body...with some shame...anger or guilt...i feel that way now. Unable to breathe, or move...filled with anger...guilt....shame...

I should know better...than to allow myslef to sink to these levels..., i fail to be perfectly fine. Buy allowing my feelings contradict my mind. This state has always been dangerous for me in the past...I almost lost my life. being this way...my mind. I cant say I'm safe today. I'm just scared. For no reason. Though i justify with a reason in my head.

Im just tired of mind game....and it makes me wonder.

Your probably wondering what the what this concerns to...Well my boyfriend, was saying to his old past buddy, some personal things about me. My boyfriend has no limitations, when it comes to concerning peoples privacy. I love that about him. Honestly that whats going to help me more, in life. Since I am too much of an introvert...But yeah today my feelings are engulfing me in rage.

He was talking about my boobs, being small to his best friend. Then he talked about how i was pre-mature when I was born, and he threw in how big my head was. These are such serious insecurities...that I rarely...open to people with. And he threw to his friends, all as a joke. It hurt so much. As much as i have trained myself to laugh at myself...i didnt want to laugh at myself. Maybe i would have...maybe iwould have if, he would have said it was some decency..... And because of this, i decided to stay mad at him. there fore forcing him to asses my feelings. He didnt, he threw me a half giggled up apology. And still it didnt make me happy. I wanted him to know, that i was hurt. that was it. I dont want a cock pit, excuse. i want him to assess my feelings, carefully. So now that I have denied his so-called apologies, hes mad at me, for being too serious.

Its not fair, why cant i be strong about one thing? Why cant i be weak this one time? Why do i have to always gigle and laugh about things, that hurt me? Why, am I honestly that serious????

Maybe i have to let these bad, ill feelings leak out of my system. And smile about them evantually, but when? Now? Is now a good time... thats where my head and heart contradict.

Sometimes i dont feel like he truly empathizes for me. And sometimes, i dont know. these doubts are their...because of me...and because of him. So what to do.

Joseph and I

Harmonize

I get in alot of peoples nerves... I can tell..well I always could tell.

Vent TIME- Its just the facial reactions..thats so fucking discriminating. Perhaps im wrong about certain things, maybe its the way I grew up...but its just makes it harder when people judge. For example... when people judge black people by labeling them "mean or under educated" immediately by doing so, they (the people who judge) give UP on being godly like. Which is simply another way of saying a Human being. who realizes they are human beings

Judgemental folk have this problem of elluding the situation, by judging...you compromise yourself...and that other person in need of help. By being a wuss..a pussy (as blunt as i can be) You deny YOURSELF and the other person at hand the questions that should be asked...when you are under a stressful situation

Question that should be asked like.
Was this kid abused, by his mother? Did this kid have dreams once? What were her/his dreams? Why is she/he angry? Why?

Instead people perfer the easy way of living, by living bothered by someone elses existance, and simply comforming...staying silent, holding silent knives...in their pocket. Talking, gossiping, negative unnessary, gossip, to their friends. Keeping their shit a secret from the light of judgement. So that they dont have to hear someone else tell them that their wrong. People dont like to be judged but they still judge. And they still think their better than those that are open about their weaknesses....who have enough self confidence or perhaps faith in life...to talk about it. And perhaps even have enough self sonfidence to stand openly corrected.

And yet none of this is praised in society. No one wanst to see themselves clearly it seems. And its not that bad...just ask neighboring countries...

i perfer those who are openly negative then those who are quietly negative. (In certain situations). because atleast those who are openly negative you know who THEY ARE. And You can actually SAY SOMETHING BACK. Wow honestly how nice are they? Seriously? But people who keep their shit (excuse my french) a secret in disguise make those who actually express themselves, look...like their devilish. No exxageration. i've just meet too many manipulative women..who thrive unto this silent...gossip. I being one of them, at one point in my life...who lived with the delussion that i was still perfect, who hypocritically put others down because they were different.

i'm not perfect and i am guilty of everything. thats why im glad i have friends who slap me when necessary. Not literally but who wont sugar coat things, even if i cry. Even my boyfriend, will make me self destruct in front of strangers. Why should i care, i shouldnt but i forget about reality when my ego has had a hard kick in the ass. Thats what i deserve for being a beautiful human being who fails to use her big head. I dont hold pity for me, but I DO Run away, and ALOT. Which is something ive been trying to comfront more and more these days. My own demise, my own dellusions of life. My own negative thoughts may be cleansed off my brain...

Thats all i want harmony, and be a harmonizer. not a follower, not a commoner, not a gossiper. Just a genuine human being called Jessica. Just that and nothing more and nothing less.

p.s- who agrees and disagrees?

I feel like I need to listen to Stairway to Heaven. I love Stairway to Heaven.

Why I made a Blogger

Well for those of you friends who will read this. Thank you. I hope you enjoy the randomness of the ramblings that will come out of my brain. I know I have a livejournal (for those of you who are wondering why did Jessica get this?) livejournal is blocked here...at work. I decided to give myself an expressive outlet here at work.

Who knows maybe I will make more friends here, maybe more than on livejournal!

that would be awesome, i need more socializing in my life.

Plus I am a parrot. Parrots love to talk.

For those of you who are interested in knowing me.

I use to have a parrot, and she was the best parrot in the universe. Let me show a bit of the love I had.

Unfortunately she died recently, it still brings tears to my eyes when ever I remember her. She was honestly (as coocoo as this might sound to certain somebodies) family to me (not like family). A little sister, that i took care of. My annoying parrot sister, that would spoil me, argue with me, kiss me, and cry with me. Thats a best friend no?

I miss her...my little sister. But this universe, God, life...works and it continues working. And you just got to continue walking even with those tears in the eyes. Today I have two doggies, one shih tzu and the other is a black Shorkie.

Ive had my time of bickering with her (the shorkie)...shes annoying. L-O-L as texters/im's would say. Thats such an over used phrase. lol. I want to post a picture of my doggy but Blogger wont let me...What the hell, is two pictures like the...limit..to the curve...LOL i was thinking randomly about algebra.

Oh it let me post it! Thats her to the side->

her name is Bubbles by the way. My boyfriend slash hopefully soon to be future husband, named her.

Well thats it for now. This is my other doggy, Suzy Bear. On Halloween Evesss.

P.S: Peace and Love