deep siiiiiiiiigh

fuck everythiiiiiiing

forgive and forget

be happy

be happy

smile

up

at the sky

because the sky doesnt care

if you win

or lose

interesting...blog post...

This goes to shows you, that Justice (though it can be given) should be taken with ones own hands. You should handle your own destiny, not just be a part of this "justice thing".

And I am not saying justice as this thing that people do like " O! you hurt me, so now I am going to hurt you back". I mean Real justice, stand your ground, dont undermine your self by turning "like them" like these little adult kids throwing a bitch fit because mommy didnt give them the toy they.... wanted. BOoo Hooo. Now the little kid, turns to "Let me show you who is boss, and scrapes you with his nails, or plays little tricks on you, with their big car"

This is the stupid mentality of people here in South Florida, specifically Pembroke Pines / Weston/Davie? West Miramar and who knows hundreds of other places down here I am sure. This is the land of the accepted spoiled children/adults, where retards roam freely with their hummer cars, showing you whose BOSS. LMAO. Please....people need a wake up call to reality. Nobody gives a shit. I like it here, but I find it funny how grown ups act.

Its hard to grow up, its even harder growing up in fear, or by holding to an ego. Which to me all are all the same thing. (The ego to me comes from fear of the unknown, and it establishes it self as "God" in some people's consciousness, this is wear you get the ignorant/hardheaded/stupid type down here in south Florida). And I am guilty of having an ego, but damnit im trying to withdraw from it and conquer it, with sheer love and happiness. I dont believe the ego believes in mercy, I believe thats your human side. I dont believe the ego deserves mercy, You do. I dont have tolerance for the ego.

But let me tell you shortly what happened. I was driving into a plaza that had a, 4 way intersection and i had the right of way (no stop sign for me), but a car that had been waiting their at the stop sign, didnt notice me, or decided to act ignorant of my presence being there, and decided to drive his/her car forward. I stopped my car obviously, so that we wouldnt crash. The driver in the other end, ends up regretting their move, and stalls their in the middle of the intersection. Ok i flash my lights, to tell them continue on. Preferably, i would rather that person, guilty or not of ignorance to stay out of the middle of the intersection.

This red SUV starts honking at me from behind to move forward. This person doesnt know I flashed my lights, to get the other car out of the intersection. These people are impatient. So i make this obvious hand gesture that they can clearly see, "what do you want me to do?" since they keep on hocking. Ends up at that moment an old man and i guess his little niece, find am opportunity to cross the street in the plaza, now they have the right of way, people always have the right of way.

As stupid and normal as this all sounds, people live in a box of their own. If the world isnt perfect for them, i let you know they'll have their revenge...lol. After the pedestrians passed, I went forward, as normally as possible, I didnt suddenly speed up faster because some one behind me wants me to (which i use to do), or because i felt embarrassed (to be honest i always feel a hint of embarrassment when someone honks at me). And honestly, i wasnt even focusing on that. I just wanted to get myself to feeling relaxed again.

This is the stupid part, the red SUV that was driving behind me, right when I am about to make it the end where their is a stop sign, speeds up, to cutt me off. So they speed up 50mph to stop 15ft in front of me, to wait at the stop sign...

Like I said I am still someone who fills my ego, by writing this to you, though i try not to give it more bait. This is the duality inside of me. the wiser part of me, says, the one that can see the bigger picture says. Dont even worry about what other people think or do. Dont even worry. Dont worry, dont worry, dont worry. Its not good to have this mentality of "I have to be perfect so that i dont give my ego more reason to... hate myself" Like I am trying hard only to be perfect, because i dont want a reason for other people, or myself to not like me* its more like ...who cares? As long as your happy who cares?

I know their is a better way of handling the situation, atleast with myself. And not with that aloof driver. But till this day, i have yet to discover the infinite possibilities...the infinite possibilities of self love, and self confidence. This is my journey, through who knows 76 more years on this planet. i will discover more ways and more ways to love myself...

POOPED

I need to catch up on my classes, I wish i didnt lose my glasses. I need to stay focused just like my dad says. Just stay focused.

WOO HOO!

Model Mayhem accepted my modeling portfolio! (not with the pictures that i radomly posted here on blogger). I modeled for my frienD Gigi, 2 years ago, and those pictures got in.
If you wish to look the pictures up, go to modelmayhem.com
and look up Hessica.

Usually the models each have their own number. I dont really know what mines is to be honest.
You might not find me... :P

Bui i am posted, and several photographers are interested in taking pictures with me! I am so nervous, i havent written back to them. hah! wow. what a wuss you must be thinking. lol Yes, yes i can be.
Its just im having a bit of a dilemma when it comes to having strangers specifically** the ones with genitals, have them take my pictures. Its just like...wow. I like women, instead lol. But i cant be prejudice...i should research my photographer a little more thouroughly. I spelled that word wrong...anyways. Sigh I guess you could say, i am excited!!!!!! Nervouse excited, frightened, i am polluted with emotions.

OOOOOOO!!! Before i forget. Anyone who owns a doggy, any doggy should probably. read this article!!!

http://americanshihtzuclub.org/dog_food_dilemma

Its about the food your feeding your dog. And how stupid it is, to feed it to them. lol. it might be a controversial article (if you feel the need to be sensitive about it). But i doubt it will be, basically you should probably just feed your dog, your left over meat. It is healthier than the food you are buying it. From a dogs perspective not humans.

By the way peeps, i own a shih tzu and a shorkie (<-shih-tzu/ yorkie mix). And i am dorky enough, to make the "i love shih tzu's club". where people can post up pictures of their shih tzu, or shih tzu mix doggies. I am leaving my shih tzu to grow its hair down to the floor. I want it to look like a carpet, running through out the floor....like this!

This is the color of my shih tzu, she looks like this one.

this is my cookie monster Suzy bear and her babies (Shakira left and Bubbles right)

Can you see her becoming into a fluffy carpet?

I hope so... I hope so.

Is it all... un necessary drama?

So finally, all the leaves have fallen, and the Winter soslstice has poured out its breezy cold thickness unto my front porch. I have felt...atleast i have thought I have felt...protection from the cold, from the cold that crawls into the heart and breaks it.
I get the feeling, I have been put down severely. And i dont know, if its my fault ...or his.
Do you know I love him reader? The guy named Joseph? The boy with light colored brown eyes, and a deep stare?

Sadly.... right now...i feel like my capacity to accept him into my heart has been disabled. It is, as if a battery, with so much light and potential to give, has been cutt off...from my mind. Extinguished, By his forfeit to give up LSD, once again.


And it feels like a game, of cat and mouse.


Though this cold air, will in-evitably consume me. This pain from within is too strong to wise... and these problems......all these nameless wounds which have been etched repetitively, are just...anti cures for his attainment for recreational drugs. And sadly, a lover like me only knows how to bleed for another, my wounds need a cure. And my wounds need an end.
And my past should dissolve. And so should this pain...sigh.

Dissolve, everything, dissolve.

Everyone needs each other to live. But others choose to spoil, this experience with excuses to live a more "comfortable" life. Anyone who can walk, talk, or breathe, or who can call themselves homo sapiens sapiens, can choose to grow and learn together- without drugs. Choosing to grow up with drugs is your choice, it is not mine. I do not want it. I do not need it. I wont have it. And I can proudly say, that i would never let you go for a "psychedelic drug"...

I wouldnt let it have me.

Only you.

-If i am thankful that a drug has helped my love, than I am thankful.
But to forfeit ...a life, a dream...for a drug.
Is like saying , I am forfeiting my dreams, for a big house...a really big house.
Their only material. Things that remain here when you die...
But he would, he could...give this up, for the comfort of knowing, he'll have a drug.

Even if he is a good guy, it doesn't denounce the fact that he has a problem, giving himself up to values worth holding. He is still bound to immature thoughts. And everyone is selfish, but how far will he go, to be selfish? How long will he remain selfish?
How long does he want to be a little kid?

How long can i be a little girl, are questions i never want to ask myself.....

I will never know at this rate. Not with him. He has no limitations....and so nor will these doubts, so long as I accept this in my life.

I cant live in the darkness of his ignorance, till he grows up.
If he could let go of drugs, than that would prove he has the necessary strength in him to take care of me! But life is never easy, but why cant I have simple? A rose, for a day's work, and a sofa to lay down with my lover. Just that, nothing but that.
No psychedellics taking us to the next world, just us, just that, our love, taking us to the next level of life...

maybe we are not ready for that....:-X

F-Society

Be YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogger Universe, First Modeling Pics.

i took my first pair of modeling pictures with Joseph, mind you this is a regular Kodak camera, and I didnt notice that you could take pictures on high quality till later. I wanted to take full body, but...Joseph just took what ever he felt like. Which was mostly me laying full frontal on my bed. In the future I'll try to take pictures full length wise. (And hopefully not in room)

First off this is my BFF/hubby
If i would have actually had my hand down, and just smiled at the camera, I think this would have actually come out pretty decent.

Alas, I try to portray my hands.

Bye bye