So finally, all the leaves have fallen, and the Winter soslstice has poured out its breezy cold thickness unto my front porch. I have felt...atleast i have thought I have felt...protection from the cold, from the cold that crawls into the heart and breaks it.
I get the feeling, I have been put down severely. And i dont know, if its my fault ...or his.
Do you know I love him reader? The guy named Joseph? The boy with light colored brown eyes, and a deep stare?
Sadly.... right now...i feel like my capacity to accept him into my heart has been disabled. It is, as if a battery, with so much light and potential to give, has been cutt off...from my mind. Extinguished, By his forfeit to give up LSD, once again.
And it feels like a game, of cat and mouse.
Though this cold air, will in-evitably consume me. This pain from within is too strong to wise... and these problems......all these nameless wounds which have been etched repetitively, are just...anti cures for his attainment for recreational drugs. And sadly, a lover like me only knows how to bleed for another, my wounds need a cure. And my wounds need an end.
And my past should dissolve. And so should this pain...sigh.
Dissolve, everything, dissolve.
Everyone needs each other to live. But others choose to spoil, this experience with excuses to live a more "comfortable" life. Anyone who can walk, talk, or breathe, or who can call themselves homo sapiens sapiens, can choose to grow and learn together- without drugs. Choosing to grow up with drugs is your choice, it is not mine. I do not want it. I do not need it. I wont have it. And I can proudly say, that i would never let you go for a "psychedelic drug"...
I wouldnt let it have me.
Only you.
-If i am thankful that a drug has helped my love, than I am thankful.
But to forfeit ...a life, a dream...for a drug.
Is like saying , I am forfeiting my dreams, for a big house...a really big house.
Their only material. Things that remain here when you die...
But he would, he could...give this up, for the comfort of knowing, he'll have a drug.
Even if he is a good guy, it doesn't denounce the fact that he has a problem, giving himself up to values worth holding. He is still bound to immature thoughts. And everyone is selfish, but how far will he go, to be selfish? How long will he remain selfish?
How long does he want to be a little kid?
How long can i be a little girl, are questions i never want to ask myself.....
I will never know at this rate. Not with him. He has no limitations....and so nor will these doubts, so long as I accept this in my life.
I cant live in the darkness of his ignorance, till he grows up.
If he could let go of drugs, than that would prove he has the necessary strength in him to take care of me! But life is never easy, but why cant I have simple? A rose, for a day's work, and a sofa to lay down with my lover. Just that, nothing but that.
No psychedellics taking us to the next world, just us, just that, our love, taking us to the next level of life...
maybe we are not ready for that....:-X
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