deep siiiiiiiiigh

fuck everythiiiiiiing

forgive and forget

be happy

be happy

smile

up

at the sky

because the sky doesnt care

if you win

or lose

interesting...blog post...

This goes to shows you, that Justice (though it can be given) should be taken with ones own hands. You should handle your own destiny, not just be a part of this "justice thing".

And I am not saying justice as this thing that people do like " O! you hurt me, so now I am going to hurt you back". I mean Real justice, stand your ground, dont undermine your self by turning "like them" like these little adult kids throwing a bitch fit because mommy didnt give them the toy they.... wanted. BOoo Hooo. Now the little kid, turns to "Let me show you who is boss, and scrapes you with his nails, or plays little tricks on you, with their big car"

This is the stupid mentality of people here in South Florida, specifically Pembroke Pines / Weston/Davie? West Miramar and who knows hundreds of other places down here I am sure. This is the land of the accepted spoiled children/adults, where retards roam freely with their hummer cars, showing you whose BOSS. LMAO. Please....people need a wake up call to reality. Nobody gives a shit. I like it here, but I find it funny how grown ups act.

Its hard to grow up, its even harder growing up in fear, or by holding to an ego. Which to me all are all the same thing. (The ego to me comes from fear of the unknown, and it establishes it self as "God" in some people's consciousness, this is wear you get the ignorant/hardheaded/stupid type down here in south Florida). And I am guilty of having an ego, but damnit im trying to withdraw from it and conquer it, with sheer love and happiness. I dont believe the ego believes in mercy, I believe thats your human side. I dont believe the ego deserves mercy, You do. I dont have tolerance for the ego.

But let me tell you shortly what happened. I was driving into a plaza that had a, 4 way intersection and i had the right of way (no stop sign for me), but a car that had been waiting their at the stop sign, didnt notice me, or decided to act ignorant of my presence being there, and decided to drive his/her car forward. I stopped my car obviously, so that we wouldnt crash. The driver in the other end, ends up regretting their move, and stalls their in the middle of the intersection. Ok i flash my lights, to tell them continue on. Preferably, i would rather that person, guilty or not of ignorance to stay out of the middle of the intersection.

This red SUV starts honking at me from behind to move forward. This person doesnt know I flashed my lights, to get the other car out of the intersection. These people are impatient. So i make this obvious hand gesture that they can clearly see, "what do you want me to do?" since they keep on hocking. Ends up at that moment an old man and i guess his little niece, find am opportunity to cross the street in the plaza, now they have the right of way, people always have the right of way.

As stupid and normal as this all sounds, people live in a box of their own. If the world isnt perfect for them, i let you know they'll have their revenge...lol. After the pedestrians passed, I went forward, as normally as possible, I didnt suddenly speed up faster because some one behind me wants me to (which i use to do), or because i felt embarrassed (to be honest i always feel a hint of embarrassment when someone honks at me). And honestly, i wasnt even focusing on that. I just wanted to get myself to feeling relaxed again.

This is the stupid part, the red SUV that was driving behind me, right when I am about to make it the end where their is a stop sign, speeds up, to cutt me off. So they speed up 50mph to stop 15ft in front of me, to wait at the stop sign...

Like I said I am still someone who fills my ego, by writing this to you, though i try not to give it more bait. This is the duality inside of me. the wiser part of me, says, the one that can see the bigger picture says. Dont even worry about what other people think or do. Dont even worry. Dont worry, dont worry, dont worry. Its not good to have this mentality of "I have to be perfect so that i dont give my ego more reason to... hate myself" Like I am trying hard only to be perfect, because i dont want a reason for other people, or myself to not like me* its more like ...who cares? As long as your happy who cares?

I know their is a better way of handling the situation, atleast with myself. And not with that aloof driver. But till this day, i have yet to discover the infinite possibilities...the infinite possibilities of self love, and self confidence. This is my journey, through who knows 76 more years on this planet. i will discover more ways and more ways to love myself...

POOPED

I need to catch up on my classes, I wish i didnt lose my glasses. I need to stay focused just like my dad says. Just stay focused.

WOO HOO!

Model Mayhem accepted my modeling portfolio! (not with the pictures that i radomly posted here on blogger). I modeled for my frienD Gigi, 2 years ago, and those pictures got in.
If you wish to look the pictures up, go to modelmayhem.com
and look up Hessica.

Usually the models each have their own number. I dont really know what mines is to be honest.
You might not find me... :P

Bui i am posted, and several photographers are interested in taking pictures with me! I am so nervous, i havent written back to them. hah! wow. what a wuss you must be thinking. lol Yes, yes i can be.
Its just im having a bit of a dilemma when it comes to having strangers specifically** the ones with genitals, have them take my pictures. Its just like...wow. I like women, instead lol. But i cant be prejudice...i should research my photographer a little more thouroughly. I spelled that word wrong...anyways. Sigh I guess you could say, i am excited!!!!!! Nervouse excited, frightened, i am polluted with emotions.

OOOOOOO!!! Before i forget. Anyone who owns a doggy, any doggy should probably. read this article!!!

http://americanshihtzuclub.org/dog_food_dilemma

Its about the food your feeding your dog. And how stupid it is, to feed it to them. lol. it might be a controversial article (if you feel the need to be sensitive about it). But i doubt it will be, basically you should probably just feed your dog, your left over meat. It is healthier than the food you are buying it. From a dogs perspective not humans.

By the way peeps, i own a shih tzu and a shorkie (<-shih-tzu/ yorkie mix). And i am dorky enough, to make the "i love shih tzu's club". where people can post up pictures of their shih tzu, or shih tzu mix doggies. I am leaving my shih tzu to grow its hair down to the floor. I want it to look like a carpet, running through out the floor....like this!

This is the color of my shih tzu, she looks like this one.

this is my cookie monster Suzy bear and her babies (Shakira left and Bubbles right)

Can you see her becoming into a fluffy carpet?

I hope so... I hope so.

Is it all... un necessary drama?

So finally, all the leaves have fallen, and the Winter soslstice has poured out its breezy cold thickness unto my front porch. I have felt...atleast i have thought I have felt...protection from the cold, from the cold that crawls into the heart and breaks it.
I get the feeling, I have been put down severely. And i dont know, if its my fault ...or his.
Do you know I love him reader? The guy named Joseph? The boy with light colored brown eyes, and a deep stare?

Sadly.... right now...i feel like my capacity to accept him into my heart has been disabled. It is, as if a battery, with so much light and potential to give, has been cutt off...from my mind. Extinguished, By his forfeit to give up LSD, once again.


And it feels like a game, of cat and mouse.


Though this cold air, will in-evitably consume me. This pain from within is too strong to wise... and these problems......all these nameless wounds which have been etched repetitively, are just...anti cures for his attainment for recreational drugs. And sadly, a lover like me only knows how to bleed for another, my wounds need a cure. And my wounds need an end.
And my past should dissolve. And so should this pain...sigh.

Dissolve, everything, dissolve.

Everyone needs each other to live. But others choose to spoil, this experience with excuses to live a more "comfortable" life. Anyone who can walk, talk, or breathe, or who can call themselves homo sapiens sapiens, can choose to grow and learn together- without drugs. Choosing to grow up with drugs is your choice, it is not mine. I do not want it. I do not need it. I wont have it. And I can proudly say, that i would never let you go for a "psychedelic drug"...

I wouldnt let it have me.

Only you.

-If i am thankful that a drug has helped my love, than I am thankful.
But to forfeit ...a life, a dream...for a drug.
Is like saying , I am forfeiting my dreams, for a big house...a really big house.
Their only material. Things that remain here when you die...
But he would, he could...give this up, for the comfort of knowing, he'll have a drug.

Even if he is a good guy, it doesn't denounce the fact that he has a problem, giving himself up to values worth holding. He is still bound to immature thoughts. And everyone is selfish, but how far will he go, to be selfish? How long will he remain selfish?
How long does he want to be a little kid?

How long can i be a little girl, are questions i never want to ask myself.....

I will never know at this rate. Not with him. He has no limitations....and so nor will these doubts, so long as I accept this in my life.

I cant live in the darkness of his ignorance, till he grows up.
If he could let go of drugs, than that would prove he has the necessary strength in him to take care of me! But life is never easy, but why cant I have simple? A rose, for a day's work, and a sofa to lay down with my lover. Just that, nothing but that.
No psychedellics taking us to the next world, just us, just that, our love, taking us to the next level of life...

maybe we are not ready for that....:-X

F-Society

Be YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogger Universe, First Modeling Pics.

i took my first pair of modeling pictures with Joseph, mind you this is a regular Kodak camera, and I didnt notice that you could take pictures on high quality till later. I wanted to take full body, but...Joseph just took what ever he felt like. Which was mostly me laying full frontal on my bed. In the future I'll try to take pictures full length wise. (And hopefully not in room)

First off this is my BFF/hubby
If i would have actually had my hand down, and just smiled at the camera, I think this would have actually come out pretty decent.

Alas, I try to portray my hands.

Bye bye

So my cousin Added me on Blogger

Woo HOO! She is like the only friend I have that actually goes through, some of the ridiculousness that I do. LOL. We are so awesome. (imaginary high five slap to karina, wam!)

Well these days Have been oh soo so so so so sooooo hectic! GOSH! For about two weeks, since Joseph started school and work. we havent had quality, jessy and Joseph time. Ive been picking him up at 2:20 a.m. from work, going back to sleep, go to school,come back home and pick up the mess my dogs made,go to work, do homework, go to sleep, pick up joseph at 12a.m. or 2 a.m.
this i do all over again.
For about two weeks.

So, My first day off finally came (sort off because it ends up i had to actually work that day, but I asked Bryan if i could get that day off), I spent some time with Evy and Jorge (YAY!) and wells even though i was actually quite exhausted from my chaotic rituals, I was relieved to spend time with them. Evy was showing me some of her wonderful modeling photographs online (ahhh why not me??? envy :-X) that she had posted on modelmahem.com.
Ive been admiring her modeling, i hope I can conquer some of my fears, and take some really awesome pictures like her.
Which leads me to tell you, that i will be modeling for a hobby. I think Hubby will be my photographer. We just need to buy a good camera. Does anyone know of any good camera's for amateurs learners?

we need to take a mixture, of natural, creative, sexy, and just plain interesting photographs for the world to see.

Oh and before i forgets heres a list of things i need to do.

Show my mom The Korean Soap
Buy a nice camera
Transfer the car title over to my name
Look up apartments to live
Buy Suzy bears her medicine

Well i gots to do some homework on blackboard. I love my education classes.

Love and peace, to all, and to all a.... goodnight :-)

This is what I would have said to Timussime Innocent

ha ha ha your so funny my name is not Rachael it is Jessica

and yes i heard about Haiti , it is really sad. People here in Miami Are really sad, we have a big population of Haitians, who lost their families.

I dont think repentence can be forced...even if "Jesus decides to return". forcing this idea of Jesus, It is something one chooses, and chooses only by knowing that it will lead to happiness. But without knowing this, it will only lead to more destruction.

I hope people just wake up from laziness, and begin working on themselves. Instead of pointing fingers on others for the bad things that is happening to them, Instead of bringing out the strength within themselves to fix the outer problems to their problems...they choose to hate.

And that to me is a sign of dishonesty. To choose not to see the responsiility that they have, is like forgetting that they own two hands and a brain...people choose to hate. Acting as if, they are forced under circumstances because of their society. their parents... but people can easily walk some where else, they are not trees. stuck to one place...relying on one source for life.

they can walk.

Nobody HAS to repent now. Nobody has to do anything. thats just people fiding an excuse to worry about somebody else's problems. And who's problem is that? Something that isnt even theirs, they give them selves Godlike gifts and worry about it. The problems that are real are right in front of you. Your bad eating habits, your temper, your laziness, your dishonesty, your neighbor, your carpet...not these idealistic issues, of perfection, that someday the world will be perfect. Your just waiting for the world to be perfect, FOR YOU. So that maybe you wont find a sad thing to ever complain about it, or to worry about it..... The world will never be perfect, and it will continue to be what ever it wants to be. If its a dessert of sand filled with wolves, its will be a dessert of sand filled with wolves.

So people can continue banting like little chickens about how the world sucks .

Nobody is going to change that for you, unless its for a good reason, like love.

So am here

Well its midnight, work was pretty hectic today. I am sooo tired. For a second i felt a inch of the stress i use to feel at The Limited. Which is a good thing considering that i hate stress huh. Right now doggies are playing with each other. They've been cooped up at home all day. Mommy (muah) has been busy either, playing her new game. Or attending to other normal things. I just have to wait a little while before, Joseph gets out of Chilis, . so that I can go to sleep, which is the only things I can think about. I have to wake up early, tommorow, to go to work, then i have to rush back home to take me and my mom to see our first pick of places to rent. First we're visiting an apartment at 4, then we'll be visiting some old fashion trailer homes, in a nice area. I know some people dont like trailer homes, but i couldnt care less. I've lived in small apartment all my life. I think living in your own little miniature cheap house is just dandy.

I cant wait to see how Joseph and I decorate the place. I know it isn't going to look like much in the beginning, but i'm sure it'll grasp a personality in due time. :)

Well my eyes are beginning to shut automatically. I guess, I'm going to have to wake up to my cell phone ringing (groan). I have been trying to avoid that...oh well. deep sleep will have to be disturbed...to the call of dute.

night night, to those sleepers, who will sleep deeply

Looking forward

I looked up, places to rent in Davie. Davie is fantastic it has lots of fields, and horses. What can I say, Im a nature freak? :D. joseph and I are moving in, and we're taking my mum. I think it will be nice. All of us three. The doggies, Shakira (my mums, Suzy bear, and bubbles) and a field of greeness. Man ive been stressed. I wish i wasn't such a determined perfectionist Right? Its stupid. You can get the same results if you werent a worrier. This is what ive learned from seeing other people. Life is pretty good, me being a nervous wreck and all. I have no regrets this year. Ive seen the fireworks glow in the sky at downtown miami, my whole family got together for the first time. It brings tears to my eyes, to have see them all together.

Joseph has been such an interesting addition to my life. He is pregnant... lol just kidding! just wanted to catch your attention. lol. I am such a dork. Anyways, he talks in his sleep. Every night. I have that affect on people and things...weird effects. Like, ok dont judge me as a psycho, random person reading my blog....I visited a psychic looooong time ago. And she told me something cool about myself. And i was like what? She said "You have the gift of talking to people while their in their dreams" I thought about it for a second. And i thought it was possible, only because i have vivid dreams almost every night. Of me talking to other people. And then waking up knowing things, i wouldnt have known in reality. Future stuff and people stuff, and knowledge that was gifted to me.

crap i have to go!

So Something funnny

to keep me up when things are literally crappy

Its called HOW TWILIGHT RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP

I am so hungry for doritos.